Friday, 28 September 2012

Kit Inspection

As my colleagues or "oppo's" and I continued our training, the half way point was marked with a kit muster.  If the muster was passed the new rating was allowed to wear his lanyard around his waist, this gave a certain long service kudos to the individual.  The kit muster comprises of laying all one's kit out in a condition which should be immaculate, ready for an inspection by an officer of some sort.

Typical Kit Muster Lay Out

Each item of uniform should be presented in a specific way, folded precisely as instructed, and placed in its own space as per the photograph on the mess notice board. Failure to pass would result in the absolute shame of being back classed, and no one wanted that. I know what most people will be thinking at this point, your kit is only three weeks old, it should be immaculate anyway. To a point you are correct, and some of the kit would not have been used. But let me tell you, the kit you have used will have been put through the wringer in more than one way. For example, the clothing worn to tackle the assault course will at some point have been covered in a very thick layer of mud. I remember the first time we covered it, we took it in turn hosing each other down on return to the mess and stripped completely naked got another hosing. Great lumps of mud dropped to the floor under the hoses pressure, both before and after stripping off.

As with everyone else, I too was feeling a little nervous at the mid point kit muster.  Was my kit pressed correctly? Was my kit clean enough?  This was the sort of question that was going through everyone's head as we waited for the officer to reach our individual bed space, one by one he poured over the kit of each individual, lifting some to check underneath and writing on his clip board.  Finally he arrived at my bed, as all my oppo's before me had done I threw my best salute and invited the officer to inspect my kit.  He started to go through it item by item, just like he had to everyone else, then came the words that made me go pale; where are you plimsolls   Life at this point seemed to have ground to a halt, surely I was going to get back classed, my immaculate white plimsolls were missing, not there, gone?  "I believe they are in the drying room sir" came my hasty reply, "best go and get them then" said he.  Off I duly sprinted to the end of the mess room, down the few steps and right into the drying room, there on one of the wooden slatted drying racks where a solitary pair of immaculate pusser's white plimsolls.  I grabbed them as quick as I could and sprinted the return journey back to my bed, out of the drying room, turn left up the few steps and into the mess room just in time to witness the remainder of my kit falling to the floor.  The officer carrying out the kit inspection had upended the mattress where I had earlier placed my kit with precision, the same kit that was now strewn over the floor around my bed.  I arrived at my bed and presented my plimsolls to the officer who glanced at them for a split second before raising his eyes to meet mine, "you won't forget those again will you?"  "No Sir" came my sorrowful reply, he moved on.

Fortunately he must have overlooked my minor error after being swayed by the immaculate state of the rest of my kit, for the very next day I was informed that I was now able to wear my lanyard round my waist.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Language Barrier

One of the first things you become aware of when joining Her Majesty's Royal Navy, is the emergence of a new language.  Some of the words are known and used in Civvy street, some will be completely alien to the civilian population or the new recruit.  

As a new recruit it is beneficial to make a mental note of these new words and try to work out their meaning, if you couldn't find out their meaning this meant that you had to ask.  This route is fraught with danger, asking another matelot what a word means could have you being told a complete and utter load of gash (rubbish), thus finding yourself well and truly dumped in the Brown Admiral (sh1t).  

Most of theses words become apparent given time, like any language if you pay attention and listen you will pick it up.  On your fist day as a new recruit you will be told to muster, dhoby and shown where the heads are.  This is "Jack Speak", the language of the Royal Navy for collect or gather, wash (self or clothing) and the toilet.  These are just the basic ones or first day words, but as your length of service grows so will your vocabulary.  Then one day you find yourself unable to converse with friends or family back home because they have to interrupt you to ask you what you mean.  Even today's sailors have words that I'm not familiar with, electric dit or a fax machine is new to me, they weren't around when I was "in".  So like any language it develops over time, and each generation of sailors will have their own additions to pass to the next generations.  Just like every generation will have their own favourites, but there are some words that transcends the generations, words that over the years have become the favourite of all generations.  These are generally associated with things that pleasure Jack, a collection of which is below>

Banyan:
Nothing to do with the tree bearing the same name (as far as I know), but a party ashore usually outdoors on some tropical beach.  A favourite of Jack due to the large quantity of alcohol involved and the appearance of scantily clad ladies.  Unfortunately the ladies don't always make it.



Cheesy Hammy Eggy:
One of the delights to emerge from the Royal Naval Catering College at some point in history, loved by many many sailors/Wrens/Royals over the years.  It is essentially ham and cheese on toast with an egg on top, the nearest thing to haute cuisine you are likely to get in the galley.


Other culinary delights included:

Shit on a raft - Kidneys on toast
Babies heads - Steamed steak and kidney puddings
Nutty - Confectionary in all its various forms
Cackle Berries - Eggs
Sea Dust - Salt
Beetle Trap - Jam or Treacle

The list of culinary words is almost endless, but so are other lists.  Below are some of my personal favourites:

Agony Bags -Bagpipes
Bombhead - FAA Armourer (my former trade)
Clamp or Clampers - Thick fog with accompanying high winds often found at RNAS Culdrose
Drip - Complain or moan
Essence (sometimes ace) - very agreeable/nice sometimes used as a compliment "that dinner was essence"
Fast Black - Taxi
Grog - Rum issued to sailors until 1970, diluted 2 - 1 with water
Heart of Oak - Traditional Naval marching tune
Italian Tea Bags - Ravioli
Jimmy the One - First Lieutenant
KUA - Acronym for Kit Upkeep Allowance, payment made to allow repair or replacement of uniform
Lumpy Jumper - Any sweater worn by a female
Molar Mangler - Dentist
Nine O'clockers - SNack between Dinner and lights out, usually a cup of tea/coffee with a sticky bun
Oppo - Best friend
Phoo Phoo Dust - Talcum Powder
Rum (or beer) Bosun - Rating who draws the daily ration for the mess
Sippers - To share a drink with an oppo
Tilly - Minibus type vehicle
Uckers - Board game
Wedge Technician - Naval Airman of the aircraft handler branch
Yonks - Ages


There are many more around, some used frequently others not, but if you join up you'll soon find out.